I guess typing online is easier than busting out a notebook and journaling it all out. It saves money too? I wish I still journaled for several reasons, not only so I could have an account for my life and if I really stayed on top of it so I could know how my relationship with people have changed and where I was at at this time when the future comes. I was really good at it in High School. Not so much in College, except when I got my CNA job, I made a CNA notebook and journaled in it for every shift I worked there, which was over 100! I think maybe I'll start up again with LVN school. That would be pretty cool, and wouldn't take too much time, except maybe on clinical days. But it doesn't have to necessarily all be about nursing school, just the life of a nursing student. It's very therapeutic and I guess I could use that right now. I have no clue about my life or all of the people in it. I sort of want to shut off and turn everything away. I'm doing pretty good at pushing people away. :P not that it's a good thing. I wonder if things will get better once school starts... I just feel like I'm wasting life... I had a day off from my jobs and I felt like I should have been there b/c I did absolutely nothing with my day and it was really crappy. I feel like I'm wasting the life God gave me and when I'm outside my nursing world I don't like the person I am. I know I'm a good Nurse's aide right now, and someday I'll be a great nurse... but it doesn't mean I'm a good daughter, friend, sister..... Right now I matter to the elderly and that's it. I'm very confused with how I feel and I guess I just need a lot of time and space to myself. I just need to get back on track. I need to do well in school so I can believe in myself again and know that I matter, that I'm not stupid and can do really well in something.
I was thinking about soccer today and goals. Sometimes when someone says you can't do something it motivates you to prove them wrong... but sometimes it just brings you down. I think that's what happened to me, especially senior year on varsity soccer. I was a good player, maybe not as good as the rest of them, but I didn't suck... I turned quickly into sucking with no motivation, no encouragement and left to have basically a separate practice from all the "good players." but what most of the "good" players had was a bad attitude... they were cruel and hateful and thought I shouldn't be on the team. That could be a good time to go out and prove them all wrong, but I didn't... i died a little inside and wanted to wait til track to show people how good I was. Which didn't happen til the end since we got a new sprinting coach and it was my only year not being on the 4by100 relay team even though i was on varsity for the past 2 years... but it's ok...b/c I was one of 2 people from my whole school to make it to CIF... so I'm not a total failure.
Sometimes we fail in certain areas... but then we start over and are rejuvenated. Like not making it through nursing school the first time. It didn't discourage me into thinking I won't be nurse... I just wasn't ready yet, and now I know that I am. I'm ready to tackle the nursing field and come out on top. Sometimes we are put in this race towards a goal that's not ours. So we have to change it and find away to come out the winner. That's what I'm doing this year, and I'm not going to feel better about myself until I do. Until people can look at me and think wow there's a smart and talented young girl. A lot of people will say I'm smart, and throughout High School b/c I got straight As they said I was... but I never really was... I never challenged myself. Nursing is the greatest challenge of my life. All I do is study the subjects I'm worst in. So if I can accomplish this, I can accomplish anything. I'm determined to do so b/c with so much other crap that's going on in my life, I need something to make me feel on top, that my life isn't a waste and that I matter.
So here's to stomping on all the other BS in my life and coming out on top.
