thankful

There are many positive people in life...

some come and go... sometimes people write to me and say how much they care every couple months... but i've come to not believe it anymore... but there are those other ones... you know the ones you always know will care and I'm so thankful for them write now. even if you aren't always as close as you would like to be it's enough.

So thankfuly to have Alida, Dena, Anna and Tara through thick and thin.

I know they'll always be there for me. I know I can be forever a part and still have a strong relationship.

Anna, you inspire me everyday and am amazed at what God is doing in your life. I'm so excited for you. I thank them all for letting me be a part of their journey and for all the love and support of the years. 

Ready or not here I come

I guess typing online is easier than busting out a notebook and journaling it all out. It saves money too? I wish I still journaled for several reasons, not only so I could have an account for my life and if I really stayed on top of it so I could know how my relationship with people have changed and where I was at at this time when the future comes. I was really good at it in High School. Not so much in College, except when I got my CNA job, I made a CNA notebook and journaled in it for every shift I worked there, which was over 100! I think maybe I'll start up again with LVN school. That would be pretty cool, and wouldn't take too much time, except maybe on clinical days. But it doesn't have to necessarily all be about nursing school, just the life of a nursing student. It's very therapeutic and I guess I could use that right now. I have no clue about my life or all of the people in it. I sort of want to shut off and turn everything away. I'm doing pretty good at pushing people away. :P not that it's a good thing. I wonder if things will get better once school starts... I just feel like I'm wasting life... I had a day off from my jobs and I felt like I should have been there b/c I did absolutely nothing with my day and it was really crappy. I feel like I'm wasting the life God gave me and when I'm outside my nursing world I don't like the person I am. I know I'm a good Nurse's aide right now, and someday I'll be a great nurse... but it doesn't mean I'm a good daughter, friend, sister..... Right now I matter to the elderly and that's it. I'm very confused with how I feel and I guess I just need a lot of time and space to myself. I just need to get back on track. I need to do well in school so I can believe in myself again and know that I matter, that I'm not stupid and can do really well in something.

I was thinking about soccer today and goals. Sometimes when someone says you can't do something it motivates you to prove them wrong... but sometimes it just brings you down. I think that's what happened to me, especially senior year on varsity soccer. I was a good player, maybe not as good as the rest of them, but I didn't suck... I turned quickly into sucking with no motivation, no encouragement and left to have basically a separate practice from all the "good players." but what most of the "good" players had was a bad attitude... they were cruel and hateful and thought I shouldn't be on the team. That could be a good time to go out and prove them all wrong, but I didn't... i died a little inside and wanted to wait til track to show people how good I was. Which didn't happen til the end since we got a new sprinting coach and it was my only year not being on the 4by100 relay team even though i was on varsity for the past 2 years... but it's ok...b/c I was one of 2 people from my whole school to make it to CIF... so I'm not a total failure.

Sometimes we fail in certain areas... but then we start over and are rejuvenated. Like not making it through nursing school the first time. It didn't discourage me into thinking I won't be nurse... I just wasn't ready yet, and now I know that I am. I'm ready to tackle the nursing field and come out on top. Sometimes we are put in this race towards a goal that's not ours. So we have to change it and find away to come out the winner. That's what I'm doing this year, and I'm not going to feel better about myself until I do. Until people can look at me and think wow there's a smart and talented young girl. A lot of people will say I'm smart, and throughout High School b/c I got straight As they said I was... but I never really was... I never challenged myself. Nursing is the greatest challenge of my life. All I do is study the subjects I'm worst in. So if I can accomplish this, I can accomplish anything. I'm determined to do so b/c with so much other crap that's going on in my life, I need something to make me feel on top, that my life isn't a waste and that I matter.

So here's to stomping on all the other BS in my life and coming out on top.

I've given all I have

"It's not about getting, it's about giving." Very famous quotes we may hear growing up
another I've read recently "Love is not a desire to get something but to give."
It's very true and I whole heartily agree, but lately I feel like I've given all I can without getting anything in return... I'm running on empty. You can give and give and give, but if there's nothing ever coming back, you sort of lose the will to give anymore... you've run the race and aren't replenished after, you're going to collapse...
I feel like I care about soo many people that don't put in the effort. I know people are always busy and I do way too good of a job keeping in touch... but should somehow have to go months before they realize they miss you or want to contact you? I mean if it's months that pass by before you miss someone, you probably aren't that close to them...
So many people mean a lot to me that I know I won't mean as much to them... but I feel like I have to continue to let go and not care quite as much. It's too hard when they don't return the love and you are left feeling all alone. It may be why people don't take chances, they don't put their heart out there b/c it gets crushed. But the truth is people will always let you down, God's the only one who will always be there.
There are people in my life I know will be there for me no matter what. because people should be there all the time, not just when the going gets tough, you need them there to laugh with you too. Unfortunately it seems like a hard time for me and some of my close friends. We are all going through so much that it's hard.
I don't know what God has in store for me of for them but i'm trusting in Him, to help us through and bring us to a better place, so that we might stand a top the hill and look down and see all that we have conquered and fought towards to get there.
He always places people in my life for a reason and gives the encouragement I need, the hard part is knowing when their time is over. When God is done using them. It doesn't mean I've stopped caring about them but it might mean it's time for our paths to part ways and to merely think of all they've taught and meant to us instead of trying to keep in contact with everyone in the world. :P
As far as me and my friends go... I hope all the crap that is happening now means that things will look up in the future? That's all we can hope for. God is using all of this to better us in the future and make us stronger.
I need to get to a place where I can grow... I'm living in such a toxic environment I'm suffocating on dry land. We can only do so much, as one person and I feel sorry for those who don't have God... b/c honestly I don't know what would get me through the day. What hope I would have to cling on to if it weren't for Him. What would I have to look forward to or have a promise that one day it will be better and that in the end Heaven is so worth it.
I'm sure one day life is going to be amazing and I'll sit back and think wow what did I do to deserve this or have my life be this good... at least I hope I reach that point someday... but until then I have to trust that God has me here for a reason, despite the hardships and difficulties, He will carry me over the sand.
that's all for now....

Something I've noticed

You know what's funny... people always want to stay in touch with people... they write keep in touch or it's great to hear from you... but I never get that...
granted it's b/c i overly stay in touch with people but still it would be nice if people actually responded. I guess sometimes the people you would like to stay in touch with don't feel the same... but the ones that do are the ones that matter... everyone else's loss. :P
and I never post on here... b/c like I said no one reads it :P I just use it to read other's and leave comments :)
Can't wait til school starts!!! Top of my nursing class here I come!!! :0

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ANNA!!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY to someone who has had an amazing impact in my life
My dear friend Anna!
I'm so thankful she is a part of my life and to see how God is working through her
I love you Anna!!

exciting news!!!

So I just got a call today and found out i got a job as a CNA at Royale Meadows.
Anita called me and said so "i'm going to go ahead and.... offer you the job."
I was so excited!! i was like jumping up and down :)
orientation is on October 16th. so from then we will see how everything goes!!
I'm so excited! it's the next step to becoming a nurse and I finally have a job in the industry I am going to be in. I can write on my resume I have CNA experience and my only work experience won't be at a movie theater or a food company.
I was getting worried too but God is good and He provided like He always does.
well i'm just waiting til 1 so I can call my best friend. :) can't wait to talk!!
so yah i was bored and felt like writing this to myself :P

Some quotes

"What you feel only matters to you, it's what you do to the people you say you love that matters." -The Last Kiss

"You Can't fail if you don't give up"
- Party Of Five

"Every sucky day you live you don't have to live again. Just do the time."
-The Last Kiss

"You either fall in love or you don't."
-The Last Kiss

Summer Days

Well today is another typical day.
I have to work 5-midnight. :( I'm sure it's the last time I will be working by myself after this week. Everyone will be out of school and summer hours at the theater will begin.
I need to remember to call my manager and ask her to try to find my taxes! I feel bad cause she just moved and I don't want her to have to go through all my things, but my financial aid at St. Luke's cannot be processed until I send them in!!
I didn't think I needed them, which is why I left them in Iowa. Silly me!
Today I didn't do much, I scrapbooked while watching Little House on the prairie. :) I finally finished season 1! I have some catching up to do. My mom started season 6!! I'm 5 seasons behind!! lol
My friend Alida, starts at the theater with me on Sunday. I'm kind of upset though b/c my Manager Sariah said I could train her, but she scheduled her Sunday morning! I don't work then, I have church to attend! I'm gunna mention it to her today! That's sad!
No word on supervisor, Sariah did put me in charge the other night, but I mean let's face it, I've been there longer than anyone else. I think she was testing me or something, but everything always takes forever with managers! ugg.
I'm glad I'm not taking summer school. Some of my friends are though and that kind of sucks. I've been home for a month now and all I've done is work!! Everyone is still in school. I am ready for summer to begin and start doing some amazing things.
We'll see I guess, but now it is time for work! :S

Letting go

Life is never what you expect it to be. Things get thrown at you and you have to learn how to deal with it. People will let you down and although you never thought it possible, sometimes you have to learn how to let them go. You come to find that God placed them in your life for a reason and sometimes once their purpse is served they need to be let go.

So now I'm trusting in God and letting go... it feels so much better